Tonight/this month/this life
I’m not going to text him.
I seriously had the worst moment of OCD earlier. I felt insane.
So, I was having a good day. I woke up early, did an hour and fifteen minutes of yoga. Went home and then spent a day with an artist helping him get his collages together to put up in galleries/coffee shops. I felt so creative and wonderful. Then, as I was going home I decided to stop to get a coffee. In the coffee shop I had a great conversation with the barista about squash. Then I got home and decided to munch on something and clean. I lit a few candles and did my stuff. Put on some good music and was enjoying life. Then I decided to go to the gym. I finished cleaning and got changed. Then I blew out all of my candles and went to go leave, but I had a thought.
“What if I left one of the candles lit?”
I went around my entire apartment checking to make sure I blew every one of them out. But I couldn’t stop thinking about how I might have missed one. Then I imagined myself being so careless and letting the whole building burn down because I couldn’t check my place enough to see if there was anything still lit.
There wasn’t a single candle that was burning in my place but I was adamant on checking and rechecking again and again. I kept going around my place, thinking “what if I just missed one?”
Then I thought about all the people who would get mad at me if I accidentally left one burning and it caused a fire. My roommate, my friends with their shit here, my neighbours, the bar downstairs, the people around who are inconvenienced by it- I didn’t want anyone mad at me. So I FUCKING CHECKED AGAIN. Then I checked to make sure I didn’t leave any incense burning. There was fucking nothing in my apartment but I had to keep checking cause I just DIDN’T TRUST MYSELF.
Then I finally thought of how ridiculous it is and left my place. But of course my mind wouldn’t stop. I got to the gym and was out of breath my whole workout and couldn’t focus properly. So I left my work out a few minutes short, even though I did an hour or so of yoga this morning. I felt incomplete and disappointed.
I also remained anxious the whole entire time waiting for a call from someone saying my building was on fire.
I wanted to text him about this and tell him my thoughts on the situation but I’m sick of fucking relying on him for some sort of approval or decent intellect or WHATEVER. Plus I don’t think he will really get my mind in that crazy way. I told another friend about my experience tonight, but she didn’t have too much to say.
Which confirmed my belief that I had earlier. No one I know will understand. I don’t have the right people to talk to about this.
So, fuck it tumblr. Here is my mind tonight. I’m exhausted and can’t stop thinking.